Monday, September 20, 2010

The Gory Details

In honor of SWEEPS WEEK and the return of Grey's Anatomy.. I'd like to dedicate this post to my first... well, probably like my third love.. Blood, guts, scabs, scars and compound fractures..

For every one's sake.. This will be a condensed version.. complete with injury, approximate date, and favorite memory/short story about said injury. No pictures for all you weenies!! Oh, I'm excited!

  • First Head Injury: Weapon: Kitchen Counter. Stitches: Absolutely! My cranium chipped a pretty impressive piece of laminate! And the counter top was left that way until it was replaced in 2001.. I think.. as a tribute to me! Thanks, Mom!
  • Second Head Injury: Lost my legs getting out of the shower, hit my brain stem on the tracks that the shower doors slide in.. no stitches necessary.
  • Not Quite A Head Injury: Culprit: Superglue. This one deserves details!--I was helping my dad fit his bowling balls.. sandpaper, superglue and scissors.. a recipe for disaster! I superglued my finger to my cheek, pieces of hair to my cheek and my eyelashes to my eyebrow.. And once Dad noticed, he did what any great dad would do.. he pulled my finger from cheek and told my mom to take me to the hospital. After all, Dad had just been there with me the week before (See above, "Second Head Injury")!
  • So Glad It Wasn't My Head: I shut my whole hand in Dad's car door. However, there was no mess.. just a small puncture wound! Nothing a Cookie Monster band-aid couldn't fix! I went to the hospital eventually, had to splint my wrist in an extended position and butterfly the wound closed. I was very cool at day-care the next day! This was my first memorable scar.
Circa 1990

  • William Shat-ter (get it?): I was sitting next to an old(er) entertainment center.. the magnetic glass door shattered all over my outstretched left leg.. immediately I started to cry because I thought my dad would be mad at me! I remember being ok, once I wasn't in trouble. Then, all of a sudden, there was blood everywhere! It was beautiful! I was totally impressed by myself! I made mom get the camera!
  • Windy Recess: In first grade, just got in from recess.. had something in my eye. Mrs. Bateman sent me to the nurse. Mrs. McKibbin (nurse) called Mom, we went to the hospital. I had very small piece of metal embedded in my cornea (Protective cover over the blue).. This was my first experience with anesthesia.. it wasn't pretty.. but Tuggie was there to protect me, along with Mom and Dad. I think it was about a 5 minute procedure. And I didn't even need a patch! Lucky for me, next day at school was show-n-tell. I brought the piece of metal.

Somehow, I managed to play it pretty safe the rest of Elementary School and throughout Middle School.

There were the occasional rolled ankles, blistered hands and feet, but nothing needing staples.. unless I'm forgetting something? Perhaps a third head injury?

  • First Broken Finger: Left pinky. Sport: Basketball. Diagnosis: Mallet Finger. See ya later extensors.. had to splint my pinky past 180 degrees, otherwise it would never be straight again! Tear.
  • Second Broken Finger? First Cast: Right thumb. Sport: Soccer. Diagnosis: BUSTED! Unfortunately, my coach tried to pull out the nonexistent jam, ultimately making the initial break worse! Who knew a broken thumb could become more broken! After a full day of soccer, mom picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. I had minimal swelling, couldn't move the thing and here's the kicker.. no bruising. Dr. Otis took an X-ray.. definitely broken, definitely too broken, definitely need surgery to pin the joint. Rats. Getting the pins out is another story. But there are pictures! Oh, and my cast was neon yellow. Perfect for summer!
  • Third Broken Finger: Right Pinky. Sport: Soccer. I pulled this girl's jersey.. there I said it.
  • Lost My Suspenders And My Belt: The ultimate injury to most female soccer players (in some form or another).. Torn ACL, torn Medial Meniscus, torn Lateral Meniscus. Enjoy your Senior year.. FROM THE bench. Piss. It wasn't a total loss, I did pick us up some pretty special guys on our Senior trip to the Bahamas with my bad ass scar. You're welcome.
  • Fourth Broken Finger: Left Pinky. Sport: Basketball. Fortunately, this was the only "real" injury I sustained during my college career.. Injury: Avulsion Fracture.. listen to me and all my science-y goodness.. Golf coach was slightly perturbed. I told her to stuff it.. but not to her face.
  • Bursitis is a Bia Bia: Right Scapula. This inflammation of the bursa sac is no elementary injury.. sounds weak, I know.. But I've never been in so much pain, I thought I busted a rib (or six), I couldn't breathe, sleep or eat.. comfortably.. Thanks to dad for trafficking me some supersonic drugs (muscle relaxers and ibuprofen, don't get carried away)!
I hope Grey's Anatomy is as exciting as that was! Oh Boy!

No comments:

Post a Comment