Nice timing, asshole.
First LT Timothy C. Konze has been recommended for active-duty promotion to captain.
To what?
To CAPTAIN!!!!!!!!
Here's the article: http://www.armytimes.com/news/2011/03/army_capt_promo_032911w/
And here's what he had to say about it..
DISCLAIMER: I don't know any technical Army terms.
Do not be offended by my super creative synonyms.
Me: What does that number by your name mean?
Cap'n: I don't know for sure. They have to review my file so maybe I was the 3913 or whatever number, file.
Me: Do you get to add another little doo-dad to your Army outfit?
Cap'n: I change the rank on my chest.
Me: What does that mean?
Cap'n: Google rank insignia.
So I did..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_(land)
Me: Do people have to treat you different/better?
Cap'n: More respect comes from the enlisted ranks. I can be a punk and treat lieutenants like shit, but that's not my style. I'll be a mentor to more junior officers.
Me: But will you make someone eat poo?
Cap'n: Only if it's white. Like Mr. Gardocki.
Me: Who is that?
Cap'n: Step Brothers.
Me: Who is a better Captain? You or Wild Bill Wichrowski?
Cap'n: Before I googled Wild Bill, my answer was, "Who the f*** is Wild Bill Wichrowski." After I googled him, Wild Bill, fo sho. His job sucks more than mine. I think.
Me: I dunno. I was Captain of a ship once.
Me: Tell me something else about the Army. Something I don't know and don't have to google.
Cap'n: Where do I begin?
Me: I don't know. You're the Captain. Captain.
Cap'n: There are over 42 branches and functional areas. If I stayed in the Army, I could do fun stuff like marketing. Most people think of the army and think of guns and tanks and helicopters. They don't realize how many options there are.
Me: Wowza! Does everyone get the same insurance benefits?
Cap'n: Yes and they f***in' rock your face. People in the Army talk shit but I think it's because they just like to complain. EVERYTHING is taken care of. EVERYTHING.
Me: Yahtzee!
Me: And what do your current duties consist of.. Ya know.. for ALL my readers.
Cap'n: Planning, resourcing and executing training for 220 initial entry soldiers from day 1 to graduation. Two weeks off then start it all over again. Oh and watching SBTB after PT with my BFF.
He's referring to me, people. Hi-Five!
Ok. Spotlight back to me.
The first time I wrote about my beloved BFF, I failed to mention he was my BFF. Tim and I met in 6th grade. And he was in love with me until 12th grade...
Ok, I'm gonna need a 30 second TO (we take those, when we're about to get serious..) to say a few nice things about my BFF.. in the form of a poem, of course.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I am so completely,
proud of you.
Oranges are orange,
And nothing rhymes with orange,
You're a freakin' Captain in the United States Army,
I'm not scared, because I know you'll protect me from any harm-y.
I adore you,
But I cannot do a back flip,
Come back to St. Lou,
I miss your bestfriendship.
[INSERT SOUND OF HORN AT BASKETBALL GAME HERE]
Poo, time's up.
If you were eating dinner with the Wilson's tonight. This would be your plate.
When I told Peg and Bud about your great achievement. Bud said, "As a retired Lieutenant, I have to salute him!" Boo-ya!
Happy Wednesday, Captain Timmy.
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