Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Better OMGW

THIS JUST IN! And totally trumps my previous OMGW (OH EM GEE WEDNESDAY) post..
Nice timing, asshole.

First LT Timothy C. Konze has been recommended for active-duty promotion to captain.
To what?
To CAPTAIN!!!!!!!!

Here's the article: http://www.armytimes.com/news/2011/03/army_capt_promo_032911w/

And here's what he had to say about it..

DISCLAIMER: I don't know any technical Army terms.
Do not be offended by my super creative synonyms.

Me: What does that number by your name mean?
Cap'n: I don't know for sure. They have to review my file so maybe I was the 3913 or whatever number, file.

Me: Do you get to add another little doo-dad to your Army outfit?
Cap'n: I change the rank on my chest.
Me: What does that mean?
Cap'n: Google rank insignia.

So I did..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_(land)

Me: Do people have to treat you different/better?
Cap'n: More respect comes from the enlisted ranks. I can be a punk and treat lieutenants like shit, but that's not my style. I'll be a mentor to more junior officers.
Me: But will you make someone eat poo?
Cap'n: Only if it's white. Like Mr. Gardocki.
Me: Who is that?
Cap'n: Step Brothers.

Me: Who is a better Captain? You or Wild Bill Wichrowski?
Cap'n: Before I googled Wild Bill, my answer was, "Who the f*** is Wild Bill Wichrowski." After I googled him, Wild Bill, fo sho. His job sucks more than mine. I think.
Me: I dunno. I was Captain of a ship once.

Me: Tell me something else about the Army. Something I don't know and don't have to google.
Cap'n: Where do I begin?
Me: I don't know. You're the Captain. Captain.
Cap'n: There are over 42 branches and functional areas. If I stayed in the Army, I could do fun stuff like marketing. Most people think of the army and think of guns and tanks and helicopters. They don't realize how many options there are.
Me: Wowza! Does everyone get the same insurance benefits?
Cap'n: Yes and they f***in' rock your face. People in the Army talk shit but I think it's because they just like to complain. EVERYTHING is taken care of. EVERYTHING.
Me: Yahtzee!

Me: And what do your current duties consist of.. Ya know.. for ALL my readers.
Cap'n: Planning, resourcing and executing training for 220 initial entry soldiers from day 1 to graduation. Two weeks off then start it all over again. Oh and watching SBTB after PT with my BFF.

He's referring to me, people. Hi-Five!

Ok. Spotlight back to me.
The first time I wrote about my beloved BFF, I failed to mention he was my BFF. Tim and I met in 6th grade. And he was in love with me until 12th grade...

Ok, I'm gonna need a 30 second TO (we take those, when we're about to get serious..) to say a few nice things about my BFF.. in the form of a poem, of course.

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I am so completely,
proud of you.

Oranges are orange,
And nothing rhymes with orange,
You're a freakin' Captain in the United States Army,
I'm not scared, because I know you'll protect me from any harm-y.

I adore you,
But I cannot do a back flip,
Come back to St. Lou,
I miss your bestfriendship.

[INSERT SOUND OF HORN AT BASKETBALL GAME HERE]

Poo, time's up.

If you were eating dinner with the Wilson's tonight. This would be your plate.


When I told Peg and Bud about your great achievement. Bud said, "As a retired Lieutenant, I have to salute him!" Boo-ya!

Happy Wednesday, Captain Timmy.

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